March 7, 2016 By Leave a Comment
We’re trying to find a lost phone charger. Ava says, “I’m not saying Eden took it but in the middle of the night, she was creeping by me where the charger was plugged in, I mean she could have taken hair samples from me who knows.” This kid is a natural lol.
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Secret Eaters Tonight!!!
November 6, 2015 By Leave a Comment
Tune in tonight!!! 8 PM ET. The Cooking Channel. Secret Eaters with your host Daphne Oz (Dr. Oz’s daughter and co-host of the Chew on ABC). It’s kind of like Super Nanny for fat people. When the producer calls and says “now just so you understand, entertainment value comes first so we may have edited it to provide more entertainment. I just wanted to let you know that cause I know you have a lot of friends and family watching” it confirmed what we thought all along….we are gonna look pretty bad lol. My wife is concerned with looking like a big blob. I of course am more concerned with them cutting out my funny lines. #tvcredit #showbiz #kindawhorish
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#WCW
October 14, 2015 By 1 Comment
#womancrushwednesday @glammamanyc from Instagram: http://bit.ly/1VSD5WF
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I’m a Catch!
October 7, 2015 By Leave a Comment
Here’s the kind of relationship level I’m on. My wife doesn’t like peanut butter. She almost choked on it when she was younger, I don’t know it’s one of the stories she tells over and over. She doesn’t even like looking at the butter knife lying in the sink with the PB and J stuck all over it. So I’m considerate and use a plastic spoon which is disposable even though I can’t get all the peanut butter off and I need to scrape the corner of the bread with it to try and get every last bit. While everyone else was chasing the good looking dudes, Victoria Parker-Arena knew what she was doing!
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I’m tearing up my toast over here
October 1, 2015 By 2 Comments
Cold butter pisses me off
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#1 Rule: Don’t ever eat after Eden
September 30, 2015 By Leave a Comment
Conversations with my teenage daughter. I’m in blue. from Instagram: http://bit.ly/1OFhoVM
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Don’t Get Pregnant
September 14, 2015 By Leave a Comment
Maria: Owen just text me out of the blue.
Me: Why didn’t he just talk to you in school?
(in the “like you should know” voice)
Maria: Uh, we weren’t on speaking terms.
Me: Well it was summer, you didn’t see each other anyway.
Maria: I think it’s time to just forgive and forget.
Me: That’s a good attitude to have. Don’t get pregnant.
#MrMomLife
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August 26, 2015 By Leave a Comment
Everyday, Eden (AKA Bontz) hands me the opened bread and asks me to close it with the plastic doohickey.
Today, I finally showed her how to do it herself.
Me: “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”
Bontz: “yeah, I don’t know what that means.”
Life lessons Bontz!!!
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August 5, 2015 By Leave a Comment
This is how ass backwards arguments are with my wife.
Me: “can you un-follow me from this hot girl thing you put on my Instagram”
Her: “why would you want to do that?”
Me: “because every time I open it, I have a million pics of half naked girls on my phone”.
Her: “fine, give me your phone”.
Almost 15 years doing it our own way lol.
I'm a comedian who has to take care of my 3 daughters in yuppie Park Slope, Brooklyn while my wife is livin' the dream. Help Me!