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Coming home from school…

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Secret Eaters Tonight!!!

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Tune in tonight!!! 8 PM ET. The Cooking Channel. Secret Eaters with your host Daphne Oz (Dr. Oz’s daughter and co-host of the Chew on ABC). It’s kind of like Super Nanny for fat people. When the producer calls and says “now just so you understand, entertainment value comes first so we may have edited it to provide more entertainment. I just wanted to let you know that cause I know you have a lot of friends and family watching” it confirmed what we thought all along….we are gonna look pretty bad lol. My wife is concerned with looking like a big blob. I of course am more concerned with them cutting out my funny lines. ‪#‎tvcredit‬ ‪#‎showbiz‬ ‪#‎kindawhorish‬

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Don’t Get Pregnant

Maria: Owen just text me out of the blue.

Me: Why didn’t he just talk to you in school?

(in the “like you should know” voice)

Maria: Uh, we weren’t on speaking terms.

Me: Well it was summer, you didn’t see each other anyway.

Maria: I think it’s time to just forgive and forget.

Me: That’s a good attitude to have. Don’t get pregnant.

#MrMomLife

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Everyday, Eden (AKA Bontz) hands me the opened bread and asks me to close it with the plastic doohickey.

Today, I finally showed her how to do it herself.

Me: “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Bontz: “yeah, I don’t know what that means.”

Life lessons Bontz!!!

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This is how ass backwards arguments are with my wife.

Me: “can you un-follow me from this hot girl thing you put on my Instagram”

Her: “why would you want to do that?”

Me: “because every time I open it, I have a million pics of half naked girls on my phone”.

Her: “fine, give me your phone”.

Almost 15 years doing it our own way lol.

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I love Taco Bell and hate Chipotle. There, I said it.

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Every Once in a While, Parenting Goes OK

Ava (10) threw a huge fit right outside our apartment building just as I was coming down to meet them so we could all go to dinner. When I saw how she was acting, I came back up and instructed Vicki and Maria to as well. We left her on the stoop to calm down. This is the text conversation that followed:

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All I ever hear is people complaining about kids ruining their meal at a restaurant or on their flight but nobody talks about the annoying adults doing the same shit when I go out. Those kids do grow up.

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I’m not trying to sound ungrateful because Dating Naked does show butts but then why blur out boobs??? #itsallnatural

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This kid in the toy store just sang “my penis is out”. I didn’t want to check.

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