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Everyday, Eden (AKA Bontz) hands me the opened bread and asks me to close it with the plastic doohickey.

Today, I finally showed her how to do it herself.

Me: “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Bontz: “yeah, I don’t know what that means.”

Life lessons Bontz!!!

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This is how ass backwards arguments are with my wife.

Me: “can you un-follow me from this hot girl thing you put on my Instagram”

Her: “why would you want to do that?”

Me: “because every time I open it, I have a million pics of half naked girls on my phone”.

Her: “fine, give me your phone”.

Almost 15 years doing it our own way lol.

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I love Taco Bell and hate Chipotle. There, I said it.

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Every Once in a While, Parenting Goes OK

Ava (10) threw a huge fit right outside our apartment building just as I was coming down to meet them so we could all go to dinner. When I saw how she was acting, I came back up and instructed Vicki and Maria to as well. We left her on the stoop to calm down. This is the text conversation that followed:

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All I ever hear is people complaining about kids ruining their meal at a restaurant or on their flight but nobody talks about the annoying adults doing the same shit when I go out. Those kids do grow up.

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on Instagram: http://bit.ly/1RXO3rZ

Shooting hasn’t even started yet and I’m already tired, seriously messing with my nap game. #da #IllBeInMyTrailer

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http://davearena.com/2015/07/24/164/

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I’m not trying to sound ungrateful because Dating Naked does show butts but then why blur out boobs??? #itsallnatural

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on Instagram: http://bit.ly/1CxPKWw

Eden has been away for 4 days. That’s apparently the length of time it takes to forget you have a kid. #da

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http://davearena.com/2015/07/12/155/

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This kid in the toy store just sang “my penis is out”. I didn’t want to check.

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on Instagram: http://bit.ly/1JmYxN6

Will anyone believe me now that I’ll be stabbed in my sleep with a fork. #malachi #please help #redrum #da

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http://davearena.com/2015/06/26/150/