Here’s the kind of relationship level I’m on. My wife doesn’t like peanut butter. She almost choked on it when she was younger, I don’t know it’s one of the stories she tells over and over. She doesn’t even like looking at the butter knife lying in the sink with the PB and J stuck all over it. So I’m considerate and use a plastic spoon which is disposable even though I can’t get all the peanut butter off and I need to scrape the corner of the bread with it to try and get every last bit. While everyone else was chasing the good looking dudes, Victoria Parker-Arena knew what she was doing!
Cold butter pisses me off
Maria: Owen just text me out of the blue.
Me: Why didn’t he just talk to you in school?
(in the “like you should know” voice)
Maria: Uh, we weren’t on speaking terms.
Me: Well it was summer, you didn’t see each other anyway.
Maria: I think it’s time to just forgive and forget.
Me: That’s a good attitude to have. Don’t get pregnant.
Everyday, Eden (AKA Bontz) hands me the opened bread and asks me to close it with the plastic doohickey.
Today, I finally showed her how to do it herself.
Me: “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”
Bontz: “yeah, I don’t know what that means.”
Life lessons Bontz!!!
This is how ass backwards arguments are with my wife.
Me: “can you un-follow me from this hot girl thing you put on my Instagram”
Her: “why would you want to do that?”
Me: “because every time I open it, I have a million pics of half naked girls on my phone”.
Her: “fine, give me your phone”.
Almost 15 years doing it our own way lol.
I love Taco Bell and hate Chipotle. There, I said it.
Ava (10) threw a huge fit right outside our apartment building just as I was coming down to meet them so we could all go to dinner. When I saw how she was acting, I came back up and instructed Vicki and Maria to as well. We left her on the stoop to calm down. This is the text conversation that followed:
All I ever hear is people complaining about kids ruining their meal at a restaurant or on their flight but nobody talks about the annoying adults doing the same shit when I go out. Those kids do grow up.